I Don’t Know What I’m Doing


5 AM. I’m up. I’m driving. And I’m there.

I grabbed my overload of bags because I’ve become a bag lady (don’t want to forget anything, plus I live out of my car all day). Kind people take pity and open the doors. I float through and scan my gym tag. I approach the security gate and pull. Nope, nothing. I move it back and forth. Huh. I lift it up and down, glance around. The lady at the desk looks at me and says, “You push it.” Oh okay. And like magic, it opens.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

I walk straight forward with as much confidence as I could muster in the morning. I stop, look down two hallways, blindly pick one, and walk. Nope, those are racket ball courts. I whip around and stroll the opposite way. Oh bingo, there’s the women’s locker room.

Yeah I have no idea what I’m doing.

I place my bags in a locker, set the lock, and walk out. There’s a staircase. That looks good. I go up and, no, I don’t see any treadmills. I keep walking and see a running track, aerobic room…hmmm….are there any treadmills in this gym? I’m going in circles. Why is this gym set up like a maze? And….there it is. The glorious early morning cardio machines appear.

I definitely do not know what I’m doing. And this is only my workout routine.

My first week of 2016 was the height of not knowing what I was doing. New job, new gym, new living location, new driving directions, and new clothes (the last one happens all the time). But in general, I really have no idea what I’m doing. I keep thinking someone’s going to call me out and say, “That girl has no idea what she is doing.”

But I’ll let you in on a secret…no one knows what they’re doing. It’s the best kept secret.

School is linear–elementary school, middle school, high school, undergrad, graduate school…but after that the structure goes haywire. Suddenly there’s a whole world of possibilities and opportunities. It’s exciting and terrifying at the same time. Everyone’s on different timelines with different goals, building career experiences and developing skill sets. And in the midst of all the crazy, no one really knows what they’re doing.

So I can relax. I don’t know what I’m doing and it’s okay.


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